Busto

I have been meaning to write for the last week or so but I just haven't been able to bring myself to do so.

I don't know how many times I have been at this exact point but I think this is either the 5th or 6th time that I have been completely busto. Although I am sure that I have felt this way numerous times but hear me now. "This is the last time I will ever be busto!" I am saying it right now. I don't care how bad I may run in the future, I will never be busto again.

I had my 5th (what the hell?) interview with the pizza kitchen and it went very well. The guy said, "we'll call you" at the end of the interview and my friend on the inside told me that I should hear back the next day. It's been 8 days now and their has been no word. I sent him a text asking what was going on and he has not responded which is unusual for him. I honestly don't know what to think. I don't know why these people dragged me around like this and I have no hopes or expectations of ever receiving that phone call.

My mom decided that I was clinically depressed and suicidal and decided to take her own action. I wasn't really upset about it and I guess it was good that she did. I have kept my other side of the family in the dark about everything that has gone on. I made this choice because it's a lot easier on me. Everyone else has given me a lot of shit for things that have happened over the last 6 months and the last thing I needed was another set of people giving me shit as well. My mom called my dad and informed him of my situation. I really don't know what she told him but she told me to get a hold of him and that he could possibly offer me a job.

I have worked for him before and he is quite easy and fair however I have already been there and done that and have no desire to retrace my old footsteps. Not only that, but I don't like the possibility of waking up at 6:30 every morning to drive 45 miles to his office. With gas at $4 a gallon that is -EV for many reasons. One of which being that I am trying to keep the miles down on my car. So much for that I guess.

I gave him a call and he told me that I could come down and take a job as a helper in the warehouse. Once again, I am not thrilled about that opportunity and know that I am much smarter then some warehouse helper. On the other hand, finding a job is impossible right now and it is a really nice luxury to be able to just pick up a phone and have someone offer you $13 per hour during such tough times. This was on Monday and on Tuesday I went in for me first day of work.

My dad's business is the slowest I have ever seen it and there has been absolutely nothing for me to do. I have been waking up everyday and it has been killing me. No matter how hard I try I can't get to bed early. I should be in bed right now because I have to be up in 6.5 hours but I know if I lay down to sleep right now that it will be another hour before I actually fall asleep.

So basically I have been showing up everyday and there is really nothing for me to do. I more or less kick back which is pretty nice but I would like to be busy because then at least the days would be going by faster. I've run a couple errands here and there and have helped a little in the office but other than that I am definitely not carrying my weight. Like I said, my dad is pretty easy. He also gave me a gas card which is fucking clutch because thats $13 per hour plus an extra $100 a week since thats about what it costs each week to fill up my car.

My current plan as of right now is too keep working for my dad and hopefully find another job. I would like to work at my dads part-time and find something that I actually want to do on the side. After all that, hopefully I will somehow be able to fit poker in there. Even if I don't, it's okay for now because this will be the first time that I start a bankroll and already have money behind. Every time I have started a poker bankroll I have had no money and have just had to build from scratch. It will be nice if I build some money before I start playing real regularly. On the other hand, I haven't played since March and I really don't like that I am not able to put in the hours that I would like. I spoke to a friend about a week ago and asked him for a 20 buy-in minimum stake for the $200 NL and he said he would think about it. That was probably 5-6 days ago and he hasn't gotten back to me which tells me that he is probably going to turn me down. This is really starting to become a recurring theme in my life.

A couple other things I want to talk about.

My dad wants me to drive a local bobtail when things start to pick up and I have to pass a drug test to be able to do that. Something I thought I would never have to do, but I had to fess up and tell him about my pot smoking. He asked if I could pass a drug test and I told him I couldn't. He had no reaction and didn't really seem surprised. He would be a huge hypocrite if he got on me which is why he didn't. My drug use is one of my deepest darkest secrets and something that I will never reveal to my parents but telling him about the pot has been one of the most nerve-wracking things I have ever told him.

Lately, I have been reading up a lot on the current status of the economy. I feel really stupid right now because I am usually well read and informed about current events and usually know whats going on in the world. However, I really just haven't cared lately. I was in for a surprise when I started reading about how bad things have gotten. It now explains my inability to find a job. I really just thought it was me. I can't wait for things to turn around because then maybe I will actually be able to find a job that I actually want to do and not something that I have to do.

I might make it to the tables this weekend and I am actually planning on it although I have no idea on when that might happen to be exact. I have a couple ways that I can go about it. I can take one buy in and take a shot at the $200 and hope for the best. Or I can play it safe and take a few buy-ins for the $40. Here's my feelings on the lower stakes games in brick and mortar casinos. I really have no problem with taking a step back and playing smaller limits. However, the $40 is second worst game ever behind the $100 NL at Commerce. I have played out several scenarios in my head where I have died and gone to hell. One of those scenarios is griding out the $40 NL for all of eternity. I have that much hatred for that game but it's much more likely that I play that then I play the $200 but no decision has been made as of yet.

Although, I haven't made any decision and its probably a little ways down the road, but I have recently been toying with the idea of taking a shot online again. I think I am good enough to multi-table the cash games online and am going to try the whole rakeback thing. Like I said, I don't know if this is going to happen yet however I like my chances. I have been watching training videos online and I see lots of areas where the players online can be exploited. I also think it will be a good supplement for when I can't make it to Commerce. Part of working these jobs is that I am going to be constantly tired so making it to Commerce will be much more difficult than it has been in the past.

Lastly, one thing that has really been bugging me lately has been my isolation. It was initially my own doing but working for my dad has only made it worse. I really haven't been seeing any of my friends lately even though a lot of them live right down the street. I am always so tired now and the last thing I want to do after work right now is leave the house or deal with anybody. Hopefully this is just an adjustment period and in another week or so I will get over being so damn tired all the time.